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Boisterous laughter, pained cries, but mostly cheerful chatter.
These are the sounds that surround me.

Wherever I look there are people of all shapes and sizes,
Living their lives, sharing their experiences, and enjoying the company of others.
And all of them slowly move along, never to be seen or heard from again.

Sometimes, a handful of people stop to spend time with me.
Divulging their interests and their issues, followed by me doing the same in turn.
After some time, these people too move on, becoming nothing but a fading memory.

People come and go.
Some I would regard as friends, people I thoroughly enjoy spending my time with.
Even entire groups of friends at times, laughing and crying and sharing cheerful chatter.
But no matter how strong the bond seems, even they eventually move on.

At some point I started wondering if they purposely left me.
Whether I was fooling myself into thinking them my friends.
Whether they really enjoyed their time with me as much as I enjoyed it.
Whether I was somehow pushing them away without even knowing it.
Whether I really was someone people wanted to be with.

But if that were true, why was I never able to uncover this supposed lie?
If they loathed me as much as I had begun to convince myself of,
Why would they bother with me in the first place?
Why would they laugh, cry and chat with me for as long as they did?
Even seek me out specifically at times to spend time with me?
I no longer knew who or what to believe.

‘Why don’t I move with them?’ I often ask myself.
Every time I try to take a step though, I’m reminded why.
I look down to find a cuff around my ankle, connected to a chain leading far, far behind me.
Even if I wanted to walk with my friends, I am rooted here,
And unless people saw fit to stop moving themselves,
I would forever be destined to be left behind.

One time, I had done so deliberately.
While I enjoyed my time with this person at first, I started to notice something strange.
An uncanny feeling drifted around the group of people this person surrounded themself with.
Unreasonably strict was this person with those around them, and willing to expel anyone when they were deemed ‘unfit’.

I even saw it happen, to someone particularly dear to me.
And how it hurt them to be so forcefully removed from the group.
As I spent more time with this person, it felt as if there was another cuff taking shape around my other ankle.
I searched the people around them, only to find they too slowly had restraints forming without their notice.

No!
I did not want to be even more stuck than I already was.
Especially with someone who I no longer wanted to be around.

It hurt, and many tears were wasted,
but thankfully, I could remove the cuff before it could fully restrain me.
However, I found myself alone yet again as a result,
as the person I had just freed myself from hastily moved away from me,
Taking everyone else with them.

I sit down, looking back in the direction of the chain.
Only when I squint can I see what it’s connected to.
It’s me.
Or rather, a part of me.
A part I no longer want to be part of me, but am unable to truly move on from.

I look at my other self’s face, empty and expressionless as it was.
Only the redness in their eyes and the dried tears crusted on their cheeks betray the nature of their existence.
While I had tried to be with my friends,
my other self seemed to have been hurt too much to ever take another step again,
Content to remain alone henceforth.

I reach down and try to free myself from my restraint,
But just like all previous attempts, it won’t budge.
I even shout at my other self to release me, only to be ignored.
Defeated, I sit down, wondering why I am stuck like this.
Why I am unable to free myself from myself.

As a tear trickles down my face,
I notice a hand reach out to me.
A person that seems stuck as well, though not quite the way I am.
I hesitantly accept their gesture of kindness,
and get up and start spending time with my newfound friend.

They introduce me to a whole group of people of all shapes and sizes,
And I am once again able to laugh, cry and chat with a group of people I enjoy.
Over time, some people go and others come,
But the group as a whole never truly separates.

Until one fateful day,
Where the person that had once so generously reached out to me,
Started pushing me away.

I started to panic.
Were my fears true after all?
Was I really that much of a bother?
Could people just not stand being with me for too long?

I was reassured it was not my fault, but I was unable to trust their word.
Their actions were simply too convincing to believe otherwise.

I felt a tug on the chain bound to my ankle,
It was my other self trying to pull me away from my destabilizing group of friends.
With a smirk on their face, practically screaming ‘Why would you even bother?’
‘Once again, spending time with people only left you hurt in the end’

I fight back, pulling on the chain harder and harder,
Yet I feel myself get dragged further and further from my friends,
And start to scream for help.

Moments later, my friends reach out to grab my hand,
And I beg them to not let go.
Once I regain my footing and find my bearings however,
I notice the once generous person missing from the group.
It turned out, they hadn’t just pushed me away, but everyone else too.
And as such, had been left to their own devices.

Despite the chaos, the group as a whole stuck together,
And affirmed that they would not let me go that easily.
Once again, I wonder whether I can truly trust their words,
Yet, their actions spoke louder than my doubts.

Time passes, and the group seems to grow once more.
Delightful new friends join us, and I notice how I’ve never had a better time before now.
The friends I’ve made seem to thoroughly enjoy their time with me,
However, the doubt in my mind never truly went away,
and the cuff around my ankle only seemed to grow heavier.

And then it happens.
My friends, cheerful as they ever are, seem to grow a little distant,
Just like the groups that came before.
None of them seemed to realize it, but I can feel the chain tugging once more.

I desperately pull back on it, but find I cannot overpower it.
In a panic I look back at the friends that helped me before,
and notice them having a wonderful time with their own newfound friends and with each other.

My heart sank like a brick.
Am I being replaced?
Were they just spending time with me until a better friend came along?
What am I doing wrong?!

I pull and I pull until the skin around my ankle breaks,
Yet find no progress in my desperate struggle.
Once again, I see my damned other self smirking, and I yell at them with tearful eyes:
“Why can’t you let me enjoy being with my friends?! Can’t you see they care about me?”

My other self whispers back at me, yet somehow I can hear their words clearly:
“If they truly cared, why do they seem so content to spend time without you?”
I knew that was a stupid question. Of course they could spend time with their friends,
As much as I wanted to spend time with mine.
But somehow, that question wormed its way into my head,
And started to cripple my resistance.

Not again…
Not again…
Not again!

Fighting back at the unforgiving chain pulling on my bloodied ankle,
While struggling with my own doubts wreaking havoc on my mind,
I begin to lose hope.

I don’t want to lose them!
Not them!
I am having the time of my life, being who I truly want to be,
And they not only support me, but embrace me for who I am without compromise.
In turn, they show me who they truly are,
trusting that I would embrace them, which I of course did.

These truly are my friends, and I would rather die than see them fade away, like all the others had before them.
I can’t let my doubts control me, as my friends have done nothing but prove them wrong.
I cannot give up now, however hopeless that stupid other self tries to convince me it is.

I look back once more at my friends, growing more and more distant,
And despite the pain, despite the sorrow,
I try to scream at them with outstretched hand, begging for help.
Yet no sound manages to pass my lips.

Just as the world turns dark around me, I feel my hand being grasped.
I open my eyes, and see that once again, my friends reached out to me.
Once again they proved to me that they really did care,
and my other self let go of the chain in shock.

As my friends embrace me and remind me that they would never let me go like that, I look back at my other self with nothing but contempt.
No, hatred.
Why did that vile creature seem so insistent on ruining my life?!
I am not them, and don’t want to be ever again!
And yet, why is this cuff so hard to remove?

I could tell,
the entity I no longer considered my other self,
would once again plan to try and reign me back in,
Some time in the future.

But when that time comes, I can count on my friends who have helped me time and time again,
Just as much as I have been there for them when it counted most.
And one day, I desperately hoped,
I would find a way to free myself from this damned chain,
And be able to be with my friends without worry.

Wherever they would go,
I would walk with them,
And not bother looking back ever again.