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I like my friends.
These people that surrounds me,
And choose to spend time with me,
They make me smile every time they’re around.

But then I wonder: What does it mean to be friends?
To want to spend time with those you like,
To help them in their time of need,
Or just to feel safe around them, being your true self?

Those, and more.
I thoroughly enjoy the presence of my friends,
And the time we spend together,
Not having to hide who I truly am all the while.

And yet, why does it hurt?
To see them have fun with other friends,
Most of whom I also consider friends,
Laughing, chatting, and developing their own little secrets?

Of course, I then tell myself,
Every friend has their own friends.
I just happen to be one of them,
And I’m grateful for being such.

And that’s okay.

All the time we spent together I cherish,
For there is no guarantee these moments will continue forever.
I simply wish for them to last as long as possible,
And for me to not be forgotten.

To be forgotten.
To be replaced.
To become unnecessary.
Or worse, to get in the way.

No matter how much I try,
This is a fear I have always carried with me,
To lose my friends for whatever reason,
For I like my friends too much,
To ever think about not having them one day…


To lose the friends I enjoy being with so much.
I love my friends.
These people I care about so much,
And whom fill my heart with warmth,
Every time I see them or hear their voice.

But then I wonder: What does it mean to love?
To want to be together as long as life will allow,
To share your most intimate feelings and moments,
Or to just enjoy their warmth and comfort without judgment?

Those, and more.
I can safely share my innermost secrets,
And get to know my friends to such a deep degree.
And feel like I can live my life to the fullest.

And yet, why does my heart ache so much?
So see them love others so much more and more intimately,
Most of whom I also love,
Spending time together in private and deepening their love for each other?

Of course, I then tell myself,
Everyone feels love differently.
While some, like myself, can feel love for their friends,
Others may reserve it for their most special person.

And that’s still okay.

All the love we share together I cherish,
For there is no guarantee these feelings will continue forever.
I simply wish for them to last as long as possible,
And for me to not be disliked.

To be disliked,
To be pushed away.
To become a problem to other people’s love
Or worse, to be hated.

No matter how much I struggle,
This is a fear I have always carried with me,
To lose those I love for whatever reason,
For I love my friends too much,
To ever think about not having them one day…


To lose those I hold so dearly in my heart.
I adore my friends.
These people I cannot imagine living without anymore,
And whom make me who I am today,
Glad to be alive alongside them.

But then I wonder…
What is fucking wrong with me?

Why do I feel so much pain when I see friends open up more to others?
Why can I not stand it when they so thoroughly enjoy their time with others?
Why do I feel the need to even spy on my friends just to always be aware of what they’re up to?
Why do I feel so underappreciated when I’m not the most loved person of them all?!

And then I feel my heart sink.

… Am I just a terrible person?
Have I always just pretended to want the best for those I hold dear,
Secretly hoping I make it to the top of their lists doing so?
Was my goal truly to feel loved, or just to be admired?

It makes me sick in the stomach.
To think I might have had such a horrible ulterior motive,
Without even being aware of it.
Is it just to cope with the one person that has always struggled to love me?

…Myself?

I cannot stand the thought.
It just makes me hate myself more than I already did.
To think all these happy feelings were just to appease myself,
Instead of genuinely wanting to share love and happiness with those I like.

Or am I, once again, just overthinking it all?
That I truly do love and appreciate those that want to be around me,
And that my depression is just convincing me that everything around me is fake,
Just to make me hate myself more?

But if it’s just that, then why do I feel so envious of my beloved friends?
Why does it hurt so much to see them smile when I’m not around?
Even when I keep telling me this is the right way,
And that I can feel myself being happy for them?

This is no longer okay.

I don’t know what to make of these feelings,
Nor how to properly deal with them.
I’ve been both the happiest I’ve ever been,
And yet also the most envious of those I care about.

Even I feel more strongly for some of my friends than others,
So how could I judge them for doing the same in turn?
The last thing I’d want to be is a hypocrite,
So why is it so difficult for me to come to terms with this reality?

Is it truly so hard to just feel happy for other people’s happiness,
Even if it means I’m not the most liked?
I tell myself this is fine, as it really should be,
And yet some deep part of me disagrees.

Am I just a narcissist, like so many are in my family?
Craving nothing but the spotlight and control over others?
If this were truly the case…
Then I’d rather just end it all.

To manipulate those that trust me,
To control the people that appreciate me,
To create my own little world where only I truly matter,
That is not an existence I can live with.

It wasn’t the first time I had a sense of dread looming over me,
But this was the first time it felt almost powerless to do something about it.
If my own hidden personality traits had controlled my actions without me realizing,
Then how would I be able to combat those?

All I can do is to hope that this is not the case,
And instead work on making myself a better person.
To truly accept those happy feeling I’ve felt all this time,
And to banish the bullshit my depression keeps feeding me.

Like previous times, fighting back at my depression would not be easy,
It would be anything but, if it was even possible at all.
But if I want to truly be the person I wish to be,
I have no choice but to fight.

For a short while, I was actually successful in doing so,
And it felt exhilarating.
To be in control, not over others,
But myself and my own feelings.

It filled me with so much hope,
The thought that I can just love my friends,
Purely, unabashedly, and genuinely,
without any depressing thoughts nagging me all the while.

It did not last very long however.
Despite my best efforts, the bad thoughts took back control.
Only for a moment did I drop my guard, 
but a mere moment was all they needed.

Yet, it makes me at least somewhat hopeful.
If I can do it once, however briefly it lasted,
I can do it again, and hopefully better than the last time.
With enough time and effort, perhaps I could even defeat the bad thoughts for good.

Now, my only wish is to be able to lift this curse of mine,
And to truly feel happy for everyone around me.
Because all of them deserve said happiness,
Far more so than most of them will admit to themselves.

In the meantime, I will keep smiling in the face of this unwarranted pain,
And keep being happy for all of my friends that I so dearly love.
While I find a fucking axe to take my depression around back with.
So that one day I may shine a bright light on my friends’ lives without compromise.

I will continue to try and live my life to the fullest, enjoy it as much as possible,
And hopefully, finally be able to love myself as much as I love those that reside in my heart,
So that they too can feel loved fully and truly with my entire being.